Nationwide

Oscar Time!

2012-01-24T15:13:00.005Z

It's competition time again and - leaping over the BAFTAS for a moment - the Oscar list is out today so Nationwide is going to predict who will get what and not change it between now and tears-on-stage day. Here we go....Best actress in a supporting roleBérénice Bejo, The Artist.Jessica Chastain, The HelpMelissa McCarthy, BridesmaidsJanet McTeer, Albert NobbsOctavia Spencer, The Help : she stole

Freaks to Flypaper

2011-11-02T14:46:00.005Z

If there's ever been a better phrase to sum up the dark side of the internet, then please feel free to tell me. I can't claim credit for making this one up, it came my way in a comments column in the Guardian after a review of a particularly telling documentary about Tripadvisor.It perfectly captures the phenomenon that the interweb has created. In among all the good things, every nutter in the

The Microsoft Windows Computer Company Accident Helpline

2011-10-14T10:55:00.007Z

The phone is telling me that I am being called from India, and when I pick it up there is lots of crackle and hissing.A very polite Indian gentleman speaks. "Hello Mr Johnstone - (and that is not me) - it is the Microsoft Windows Computer Company here and according to our records your computer is at risk from a virus because you have not had your computer serviced by us. What is the number of

9/11

2011-09-11T03:00:00.001Z

Exactly ten years ago today I was standing at my desk in my office in Central London, talking to an ex-employee about future prospects. We'd been for a pint.The phone rang. It was my PA and very good friend telling me to turn on the TV. Jokingly, I said I was busy and hung up. She rang back. "Turn on the FUCKING TELLY" she shouted and what seemed like seconds later was upstairs in the corner of

Hot Dog

2011-09-05T16:54:00.009Z

Speaking as someone who has never knowingly bought a branded product as a result of advertising, and refuses to consider self delusion as a trait, it came as a shock to turn into Pavlov's Dog on reading, of all things, a restaurant review. I tend not to go to restaurants because of reviews, I have to go to too many as a matter of course, but Jay Rayner in the UK Observer wrote about a new

'ello 'ello 'ello

2011-06-21T11:18:00.007Z

If you've been in trouble with the police recently, then I suggest you move along quietly, there's nothing more to be seen here. But if you're an innocent, and want a little rubber necking, then please slow down (if you're doing something else like driving while reading this) and I'll tell you a story, a real life crime story.Now don't be misled, this is not a major heist or bloodthirsty murder,

Lunch.

2011-06-01T17:54:00.008Z

It is a rare thing indeed that I get all effervescent and radiant about something as simple as lunch. I am in the very fortunate position that I dine out excessively, something I enjoy, but it takes a lot to get the wibbles wobbling, to coin a phrase.At lunch today, my utterly charming Good Lady had taken the unusual step of booking somewhere we hadn't been. I'm not a creature of habit because I

Car Crash Time.

2011-05-26T10:39:00.006Z

"Is there anything else I can do for you today sir?" Yes. Get lost.Last year we went onto one of those car insurance policy websites which are the subject of a mad UK TV advertising war. I can't remember if it had a meerkat or a mad opera singer but it worked. It allowed us to see various quotes and we opted for the cheapest, thus saving several hundred pounds.Since then, we get regular calls

Ryan Giggs

2011-05-22T19:32:00.002Z

Ryan Giggs.We were talking about him only today. Sexy or what?Ryan Giggs, certainly one of the best football players in the UK today. He's been recognised all over the world for his talents.Good player, on and off the field. Good man.It must be difficult to do the business when you're under the spotlight all the time, pity there's no way to turn the spotlight off - ha! take out an injunction or

Your Call Is Most Definitely Not Of The Slightest Importance To Us. Now Get Lost.

2011-05-19T11:50:00.006Z

Once, cars broke down and at the side of the road, you repaired them. Once, you had a telephone that occasionally malfunctioned and a bloke would fix it. Once, every negotiation didn't require lawyers for days on end and 500 emails. Once........But enough with the nostalgia. Further to my last post about the shaky business end of mobile phonery I have an update. My mobile phone company, Nomi

"Your Call Is Important To Us"

2011-05-05T12:45:00.007Z

No it's not.It has replaced the American platitude "Have a nice day" and the call centre mantra "Is There Anything Else I Can Do For You Today?" (because I haven't managed to do anything for you so far) as the most hollow, hated phrase of modern life.On voicemails which used to play a tinkling version of Greensleeves to drive you mad ("I'm paying for the call, f*cking answer!") we now have our

Mystery House (2)

2011-01-24T13:15:00.004Z

Rather incredibly, particularly if you read my previous blog Mystery House, it appears we have Mystery House 2, like a follow up horror movie. Except there's no movie. And no horror. We live by the sea as well as the city, and have a nice little house in a lovely little coastal town. It's in a nice street, with nice neighbours, and is a nice home. It's not a weekend cottage, we split our time

Mystery House

2010-10-13T12:29:00.005Z

We live in a mystery house. It looks pretty normal from the outside, and appears very normal inside. But we have a mystery.We moved a few months ago, a complex set of affairs that you can only really appreciate if you're in mid-move. Being distanced from it is like any painful experience, you erase it as quick as possible. Ironically, in this complex move which involved the simultaneous sell/

A little schmoke.

2010-07-05T15:25:00.003Z

So let's just say that in the past the odd drug has been consumed, the odd, say, joint or whatever, and in that dim and distant past when the odd drug was possibly being consumed, to background music of something incredibly hip and cool and possibly even, er, psychedelic, one inhaled, and that one enjoyed to the full, the effects of the odd drug or two. No big deal. (in fact probably less than £4

Dennis Hopper R.I.P.

2010-05-30T12:41:00.007Z

Dennis Hopper died yesterday and I'm sad. They say you should never meet your heroes for fear of disappointment and while that can be true, with Hopper it wasn't.Like most people I found him via Easy Rider and thought he was brilliant. His inability to keep it real on and off screen just endeared him further to me but meant he became increasingly difficult to insure or bond to make movies.When he

Close Shaves

2010-05-08T13:39:00.009Z

First off, have a look at this video. I defy you not to smile. Jean Yves Bordier has made the cheesiest (he's an affineur and buttermaker from Normandy) video of all time, borderline excrutiating for the staff I'm sure, but very, very funny for us out here due to it's general bonhomie and sense of fun. Go on, watch it again.It's a close shave, well done Msr Bordier, you are a hero, not a laughing

London Moments

2010-04-18T14:16:00.008Z

Due to Volcanic Ash, London, particularly the South West, is bliss at the moment. Sunshine, brunch and dinner outdoors and best of all - silence in the skies and picturesque sunsets. If Boris's Thames Estuary airport doesn't get a few thousand extra supporters this week, from Housnlow to Twickenham, I'm a monkey's uncle.But there are still dark corners of London where danger lurks....After what

Swiss Pakora Yorkshire Horse Melt

2010-04-07T00:30:00.010Z

We are back from the second gastronomic tour of Switzerland where on this occasion I ate horse. Or foal, as the SO pointed out, hiding her grimace behind the menu. And for good measure it had a lobe of foie gras on the top, just to make sure that any passing animal activists were well and truly incensed.It was the Italian part of Switzerland and Italians, like the French, eat horse. So when in

Who Gets The BAFTAS?

2010-02-21T15:33:00.005Z

The Nationwide annual BAFTA Film Award predictions are as follows:Best FilmAvatar obviously since nobody's ever seen anything like this before.wrong! Hurt Locker got it. The night's most confounding news.Leading Actor Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart. If you've seen it, I'm afraid the others, who all do good work, don't even come into it. Stunning, understated, truthful, etc etc. Makes you cry. makes

Bejeweled Twist : How to Win.

2010-02-16T16:56:00.011Z

Timewasters of the world unite! If you have yet to discover the joys of Bejeweled - now in three forms - beware. It is totally addictive. However if you have, and have progressed to Bejeweled Twist, the most 'sophisticated' of them all, you'll waste a lot of time exploring the subtleties of the game, even if you haven't bought it and simply play the ten-round trial version. Here's what you should

Clock Work

2010-01-17T20:37:00.007Z

The memory may be fading but what seems to me to be just a few minutes ago Britain was in the grip of an icy chaos where life stood still and I was forced to join the 'working from home' brigade. London stopped functioning properly, public transport in Brighton was taken off the roads, and trying to actually get anywhere north seemed improbable. Communications were good however, as the world has

When In Rome

2010-01-03T22:52:00.009Z

It's winter, and like every other place in the civilised world, Rome is bloody freezing. Yes I know, when you were here it was 40 degrees and the cobbles were melting. Well now it's minus something, there's slippery ice on those cobbles and while the fountains still flow and splash, at any moment the Trevi could fall icily silent. There are many reasons to love Rome. Espresso is just one. 90

Cheesy Dreams

2009-12-12T22:39:00.005Z

Now it's not quite as cold in Italy as it is in the UK but I'm still sitting here in Rome with a snivelling cold watching Sky News instead of being out enjoying la Dolce Vita on a Saturday night. Admittedly it was snowing the other day in Puglia, but that was up a mountain, and it rained a lot, and it was bloody freezing on Thursday, and I brought the damn thing with me from the UK...etc.But it's

People On A Train

2009-12-07T21:25:00.008Z

So I'm hunkered down on a train on a cold, grey, miserable winter's day, and we're not exactly racing from London to Brighton, it's stopping at places you've never heard of, like Three Bridges, when this guy gets on and sits opposite me. I'm already distracted from reading the Guardian - this being Climate Change Day or something I've bought the paper version for the first time in months - but a

"I (don't) know what I like"

2009-10-08T16:32:00.007Z

Strange times when the brightest thing that happens to you is at a tube station, when you've just had the journey from hell from Baker St in the rush hour because the signals have gone down at Edgeware Road, and the pop legend or, ahem, POP GOLD, Darius comes up and asks to use your phone cos his is broke. He was polite (and no, popbitch, his credit had NOT run out) and called his dad to tell him

Same but different.

2009-09-13T08:55:00.019Z

..Biarritz has beaten Bayonne and the whole town is alive, vibrant with Saturday night revelling as rugby fans celebrate their local Derby victory. Horns toot and blare, the team anthem is playing from every passing car, people are dancing in the street. For reasons completely unknown to me many of the red and white support are dressed as Indian Chiefs - full feather headress and warpaint - their

Whisk-a-Go-Go

2009-09-03T21:25:00.005Z

A small cafe in a small town in the Aveyron, a department of South West France barely known to the outside world, including the rest of France. I like the cafe as I can have a coffee, check my email, and watch the world go by. It's clearly mobbed at night, judging by the various artefects, posters and gaming machines dotted about. The blue-smock-and-berets outside smoking this morning don't keep

Yorkshire : A Grand Canyon.

2009-07-22T11:54:00.020Z

So ....we're standing listening to a Yorkshireman, in Yorkshire, as you do, and he's telling us an amusing story about David Hockney, Britain's greatest living artist (that's my opinion, but may very well be his too). Hockney, Bradford's most famous son, has forsaken some time ago the colouful life he has led in Los Angeles and returned to his native roots. Not to Bradford exactly, but to

ALL CHANGE!!

2009-07-16T00:15:00.007Z

I like progress, always have, long before the king of change swept into the White House. It's why I left the comfort of institutions like the BBC, ITV - and marriage - quite so frequently. And why I'm happy downsizing, changing, and moving forward. Despite the job losses, I love the way production in media has developed, I love the fast way new technology is racing, why this very blog is being

Monkeying Around.

2009-06-22T15:15:00.016Z

Last year my partner announced to me that I had herpes. "Look" she said, pointing downwards in the general direction of, er, well you know, "You've got Herpes".(For younger readers, Herpes is thing that people used to get before really serious killer diseases came along, stuff that kills you, or at the very least makes bits fall off. For older readers of a gentle disposition, look away now, we're

Now that's not very nice, is it?

2009-06-09T16:36:00.007Z

Oh dear, yesterday was a very bad day, wasn't it? Weather wasn't very nice, my loved ones are away, my business partner is laid up with an injury, Delia Smith was lunching beside me and talking too loud. My bloody Oyster card wasn't working either. Shit.Oh yes, and our very own Nazi Stormtroopers were voted for in large numbers in a democratic election. We now have 2 BNP MEPs to be ashamed of.

Memory Loss: An Appeal

2009-05-14T13:29:00.003Z

Last year I was sat in Claridges, taking tea, as one does, explaining to a friend of mine who in my view is a complete idiot, the advantages of having all of one's work on memory sticks. I had, only recently, transferred years of paper files to the digital world, literally crates of paperwork now on a something gigabyte stick, two actually, which I occasionally kept about my person. All neatly

Happy?

2009-04-19T17:15:00.022Z

You bet! Just before I left the metrolops by train to Cornwall, I watched Michelle Mone - the blonde bombshell bra magnate from Apprentice fame - explaining to ITVNews that she was fed up listening to the media drone on and on about how we're all going to hell, with or without a handcart, and how this very explanation of how terrible everything is partly explains how, well, terrible everything

Bloody Sheep

2009-04-08T10:01:00.004Z

The very funny comedian Arnold Brown ("I'm Jewish and I'm Scottish. Two minorities for the price of one" boomboom!) has a new act at the heart of which is an appreciation of sheep. At Brighton's Komedia last week he had us in stitches (well a Welsh friend anyway) as he embarrassed the audience into agreeing that sheep were, um, rather attractive in their own sweet way. As the discourse reaches

TV or not TV

2009-03-29T22:35:00.008Z

Without wishing to sound unduly negative, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to be even remotely interested in television, despite exhortations to watch The Wire which apparently will jump start my batteries and get the juices flowing again. OK, but the everyday stuff just bores me, the production values scream "CHEAP", the formats are boringly repetitive, the scheduling's a bloody mess, and

Notting Hill

2009-03-25T00:06:00.006Z

Hugh Grant is wibbling at the camera and Rhys Ifans, resplendent in laundrette-grey Y's, is no doubt in a nightclub somewhere desperately hoping that people aren't watching so he can finally move on from Spike. Julia Roberts, playing herself, is doing that simul cry/smile thing.Notting Hill, the movie, is on again. ITV something (3? 4? 87?)I'm watching Hugh, dumped by Julia, walking up Portobello

Rocker Stalker

2009-03-10T18:32:00.004Z

Rather weirdly, I nearly became poet John Hegley's stalker at the Edinburgh Festival one year after telling him at the bar of the Assembly Rooms that I was not only coming to see his show, I had brought a lot of friends with me, as I had seen him perform in London "many times". For the next few days everywhere, but everywhere, I went in Edinburgh I bumped into him. It became so embarrassing I

Credit Crunch Paris

2009-02-24T15:08:00.010Z

It's not my fault that I have to spend a lot of time in Paris, eating and drinking my way around the city. It's a tough job but..... it's not all joie de vivre.Given the exchange rate fun we're having with the Euro, last week was more pain than joy, prices being calculated UP the way rather than DOWN, so much so that one night I decided to stay in, which I can't ever remember doing before.

Happy Valentine!

2009-02-13T11:19:00.002Z

OK, you want romance? Sing this to your loved one on Valentine's Night.O my Luve's like a red, red roseThat’s newly sprung in June:O my Luve's like the melodieThat’s sweetly play'd in tune.As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,So deep in luve am I:And I will luve thee still, my dear,Till a’ the seas gang dry:Till a’ the seas gang dry, my dear,And the rocks melt wi’ the sun;I will love thee still, my

Mamma Mia! It's the BAFTAS already!

2009-02-08T15:03:00.007Z

So, it's prediction day again. After last year's poor show (they only made six right decisions) let's see how well the BAFTA jury does this year in their deliberations. Are they going to get it right?(results added Monday am)BEST FILMIt's gotta be SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE.CorrectOUTSTANDING BRITISH FILMIt should be MAMMA MIA. All that Tom Hanks star-buying money has gotta have some effect!Wrong. Obv

Happytown

2009-02-02T14:46:00.015Z

Hooray! Hooray! It's a public holiday!Well it may as well be in cold, wintry Brighton where the city's tens of thousands of London commuters are stuck at home, building snowmen on the beach and filling the pubs. "It's like the War!" said a blackboard outside one, with a tiny note below "but without the war bit".Snow doesn't normally reach Brighton, a city more used to the bracing sea air of La

A wee bitta snow

2009-02-02T10:26:00.014Z

We are snowed in. Hurrah!And we are not in the Highlands of Scotland or the Alps or the Rockies. We are in the sunny seaside English coastal resort of Brighton, where families and gay couples come to frolick in the sun.Not today they don't.In the "worst weather since... etc etc" we've had some lovely snow overnight, with more to come, and outside, while there may be no trains, buses, roads open,

Chinese Burns

2009-01-27T02:30:00.004Z

It is Burns Night, an all too familiar event in hospital A&E wards up and down the country, peaking on November 5th, but on this occasion a celebration from Scotland which recognises Britain's other bard - the one Jeremy Paxman refers to as 'doggerel'. Much haggis, poetry, whisky. and dancing.It's also Chinese New Year, the year of the Ox, and the two have conjoined as twins.Burns is 250 this

Peas, peas, more if you please...

2009-01-07T01:39:00.007Z

if you'd like to see this blog as a wordcloud, go hereI like a pea, me.Maybe it's just midwinter, freezing, miserable dog days after festive merriment, which turn thoughts inexorably to the summer pea. Or possibly it was that pulao rice. Always ask for peas pulao, even if it turns out to be a few desultory thawed out bullets mixed in the microwave. Last night I was lucky: egg, beans, and lots of

Seasons Greetings!

2008-12-29T00:55:00.006Z

Despite Woolworths closing.Unless of course you're in Gaza, in which case you're subject to a blockade. And bombing by the Israeli air force which killed more than 300 people.Bombing and killing in excess of 300 people. Jesus Fucking Christ. With the most sophisticated weaponry known to the western world. Shit. Merry Fucking Christmas Israel. And no, there was no joke intended there.So Gaza has

Burn the Clocks - it's nearly Monday.

2008-12-22T17:24:00.003Z

It's the shortest day of the year and we're going to burn all the clocks.But first we need to try to not burn lunch which was prepped for a 3pm kick off and it is now nearly 4pm. Being fashionably late in the Groucho Club is all well and good but when you've got perfect roasties in goose fat turning before your very eyes into blocks of rock then it is unacceptable. How do you like your lamb? Grey

Hey OJ! How ya doin?

2008-12-05T18:52:00.006Z

.................BREAKING NEWS...................Whoa! Let's leave aside any improper thoughts we may be having about Judge Glass - she is hot - this is breaking news folks and it ain't constrained by network execs so I can like the judge all I want! - and OJ's talking! In Court! In Vegas!Hey OJ!Let me ask ya something - if you're all cut up about some sports memorabilia (you didn't seem to be a

You say non! We say oui!

2008-12-04T23:07:00.004Z

I'm wondering if a blog is really just a vent for complaining because while I'm travelling around France and generally enjoying myself as if I'm on some kind of holiday, instead of this gruesome workload that involves eating in restaurants and staying in hotels and so on, I'm not really brimming over with the milk of human kindness. I'm kinda irked by small things, although sometimes elated by

Hello John

2008-11-27T02:34:00.004Z

Working abroad for a few weeks is all very well, it makes coming back to London for just one day all the better.I think.A little cold, possibly.Woolies. MFI.Brrrr.Anyone arriving from France may expect the worst in terms of food, service and ambience but The Wolseley delivers (as it always does) Ask Carol Voderman or Jamie Lee Curtis or....the others who packed the place out last night. One of

Rude health

2008-10-30T13:31:00.003Z

I don't really do sick. My last visit to the doctor, five years ago, was a waste of time (hers and mine) and the previous one, four years before that, wasn't much cop either. But we all get a little something wrong sometime. And right now I've got mine. Nothing terminal you understand, but something that requires a little treatment.I didn't know it was coming - my fault really - otherwise I would

AA Gill. You're the man.

2008-10-17T09:07:00.004Z

AA Gill doesn't usually bother me, mainly because I stopped reading the Sunday Times a long while ago and now only occasionally flick through it online before lunch, but since I can't remember ever being moved by young Adrian quite so much before, I'm a little unsettled.For those of you who don't know, Jeremy Clarkson's best friend's restaurant column in the ST consists of two thirds rant - about

A Hollywood A-list curry.

2008-10-02T11:26:00.007Z

Since the 18 year old and I hadn't been out for a couple of weeks I thought we'd sidestep the caff and chips and kick off at Benares, the Indian in Berkeley Square, which is about as closely associated to "going for a curry" as your local Chinese takeaway is to a full on Banquet at the Imperial Palace in Beijing.We worked out we'd been there together before, on opening night actually, which was

Fat Boy Upstaged Shock

2008-09-29T00:58:00.019Z