Tuesday, June 21, 2011

'ello 'ello 'ello


If you've been in trouble with the police recently, then I suggest you move along quietly, there's nothing more to be seen here. But if you're an innocent, and want a little rubber necking, then please slow down (if you're doing something else like driving while reading this) and I'll tell you a story, a real life crime story.

Now don't be misled, this is not a major heist or bloodthirsty murder, quite the opposite in fact, a misdemeanour so slight as to be barely worth mentioning. Which is why I'm mentioning it.

In a deserted London suburban street I committed a traffic offence. I ignored a 'no entry' sign and drove down the 10 yards of one way that has been created to stop people like me taking a short cut. No excuses (like my partner telling me to do it because we were in a hurry and me saying "no, because one day there will be a cop assigned here to catch people like you" ) I did it and saved myself a few seconds on the journey. Hands up. Guilty.

There wasn't A cop, there were four, who came after me in an unmarked car with lights blazing and sirens going, thus disturbing a few sleepy cats on the windowsills.

I stopped as they piled out their car and came towards me. The sergeant, the lead officer, barked at me to switch off the engine and get out the vehicle. I complied and came to face him on the pavement.
He was big, and wearing wraparound sunglasses.
He stared at me. His arms were folded across a chest that is best described as 'mighty'.
"How's you're day been?" he asked, not actually caring how my day had been, but said in a manner that suggested a downhill trajectory.
I tried a smile, "Up until a few moments ago it was fine", thinking that a little humour might be in order.
He continued to stare at me.
"What do you mean by that?" he said, louder, leaning towards me, not quite towering over me, but certainly invading my space, as they say.
I thought that humour might be off the agenda.
"Well, you've just stopped me," I offered, meekly.
"I don't like your attitude," he continued, getting louder still, "I don't like it at all. I expect lip from the kids, but not from grown adults"
He moved in close, and pointed at his chest badge with his name on it.
"See that?" he asked, inches from my face, "That's me, that's my name and rank"
I tried to look innocent (go on, you try it). It clearly didn't work because he started to bellow at me, in my face.
This was less than amusing. His threatening manner was working, he was intimidating in the extreme. I thought amelioration might be better.
"I apologise if there's anything in my demeanour that's wrong, sorry" I couldn't have been more apologetic, polite, nice. I laid it on thick. "I don't mean to be rude. Sorry"
This didn't work either.
"You know you could have KILLED SOMEONE there, someone could be DEAD now because of YOU" He wasn't foaming at the mouth, but he was certainly increasing his heart rate underneath all the weaponry he appeared to be carrying.
He continued in this vein and it was clear that (a) he utterly despised me and people like me and (b) I was going to get really done and regret it.

The Good Lady looked out the car as they began to interrogate her too. The four of them went at it. I expected yellow tape at any second and helicopter overhead. "Overkill" is fascinating to watch as it unfolds before you. There should be a cop series called that.

My body language suggested defeat. I apologised, offered my license, explained that I'd had it a very long time and no, there were no points on it at all. I was barked at for not having the paper section. I was asked, several times, if I was insured to drive the car. The Good Lady was being interrogated as well now, there were two of them shouting into their radios, checking our ID's, checking the licence plate, checking road tax, ownership, addresses, and one on the phone because they'd run out of radios. The noise level in what had been a completely silent street was now quite amazing. Nets were twitching in windows. There was an "incident" unfolding.
I was reminded that I could have KILLED someone by my actions (that's strictly true, had there been anyone in the street at the time) and then I was told that I was GOING TO BE FINED £60, get three POINTS, and had to GO TO A POLICE STATION of my choice with my documentation.
I was asked if I was proud of myself, if I realised that my actions COULD HAVE KILLED SOMEONE and did I NORMALLY DO THIS??

"WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING??" he barked at me, some ten minutes into this activity. "YOU COULD HAVE KILLED SOMEONE!!"

I think I had the message now, but I complied, smiled, did what they asked.

Then it began to go pear shaped. The tax disc was out of date. Back home, on the stairs, was the new one (genuinely) but in these circumstances we may as well have suggested that it wasn't our DNA found at the scene of the murder. I thought I was going to be cuffed and taken down the station but fortunately one of the other four, a minor one, offered that he had already checked with DVLA and everything was in order.

The sergeant looked at me with eyes that whispered of their own accord "oh, you are so fucking lucky this time" and then proceeded to explain to me, three times, about the fine, the points, the fact that I could have killed someone and that if I didn't appear in the police station they'd be coming after me, there'd be a warrant out for my arrest. I'd be in REAL TROUBLE.

Fifteen minutes later, it was over. Four of London's finest marched back to their car and roared off. I drove off too, thanking God that I was in a two way street and therefore not going to KILL SOMEONE!!!

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