Saturday, May 08, 2010

Close Shaves

First off, have a look at this video. I defy you not to smile. Jean Yves Bordier has made the cheesiest (he's an affineur and buttermaker from Normandy) video of all time, borderline excrutiating for the staff I'm sure, but very, very funny for us out here due to it's general bonhomie and sense of fun. Go on, watch it again.

It's a close shave, well done Msr Bordier, you are a hero, not a laughing stock. One day we will meet. In the meantime, read on..

If you like The Onion, the funniest online presence on the planet right now, then you may have read sometime ago one of their wittiest pieces, fuck-everything-were-doing-five-blades, a laugh out loud satire on the increasing number of blades in disposable razors. It seemed unlikely, but the joke is that Gillette were about to manufacture the most preposterous idea ever, five blades to outdo their French rivals Bic.

Idiotic, isn't it? That that number of blades on a razor could make any sense.

Well, yes. Except that I've just been bought a present a few weeks ago. It's made by Gillette, it's got five blades, and at the flick of a switch, it vibrates for God's sake. Not only that, it gives the closest, smoothest, gentlest shave you've ever experienced......

Stop! You probably think I got a free one (I did, it was a present, but from the loved one, not some PR department). And SHE likes it too!

I have history with shaving. If you're 13 and reading this, hoping that one day you'll stop nicking yourself, forget it, it gets worse. I've used more bits of loo paper to stop the bleeding that can possibly be good for me. At one stage I was taking a drug that thinned my blood and I would bleed for hours, if not days.
I travel but never carry very much. The single blade disposables they sell in Africa cut you to ribbons, the two blade jobs in supermarkets around Europe are sore, lethal, and since I never get past the first one in a packet of 5 a waste of money. I never seem to have anything that I can use to remove the stubble that doesn't injure me. Until now.

This new five blade vibrating job is an absolute joy. I have yet to cut myself, my grizzly chin is as smooth as a baby's bum, and the female target of my affections assures me that it works, especially since my face is apparently normally closer to sandpaper.

This really sounds like an advert, doesn't it? Tragically, it's all true. get one!

And talking of close shaves, right now in British Politics, the day after a general election where absolutely nothing went to plan, we appear to be on the verge of chucking out one of the most experienced politicians of all time, a former Chancellor who has steered us through one of the most turbulent economic disaster zones of modern times, a prime Minister who has integrity oozing from his pores and experience that is unrivalled at the top level. He's honest too!
His job isn't finished but two college boys, one even less popular than the other, seem to think they can do the job better, despite having no experience.

If voters had simply looked at their CV's, particularly the posher one, instead of lapping up the rantings of the feral press we now have whose job used to be something to do with informing the public, then we wouldn't be in this position. But surely, we're not really going to do this, are we? (let's see how this reads in a few days)

I mean, that really would be a close shave. But not a funny one.



Mel Bel x said...

You wrote this on my birthday
Bless you Nation

Nationwide said...

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday, MelBel
Happy Birthday to YOU!