Thursday, November 08, 2007

'oos that then?

So there's Monty and me trotting through the Park as usual when 'oo drops in but Prince Charles. I ain't seen a 'elicopter land in 'yde Park before, it dunalf make a racket early in the morning but presumeably the residents (are owners of them 'ouses worth £50 million still called residents? or do they have a superlative grouping title like, Presidents or sumfink, which is why I'm going all cockney sparrah like cos I knows me place) don't mind because they've all got 'elicopters themselves. Anyway. I'm assuming it was HRH because according to the rules of flying choppers in London you're not allowed to drop off anyone you feel like anywhere unless (a) they're on a stretcher or (b) they're Royalty, or obviously (c) both.
If it was 'im, HRH, then how does that square with the environmental stuff, you know the Duchy biscuits and old architecture and green welly conservation of hunting and the environment? Huh?

Y'see old and trad is in as I discovered last night (and again today) at London's newest flashest eaterie, 'sept it ain't flash, noooooo, anything but. Austere and black and spare, no pictures on the walls, with a menu that's got on it Irish Stew, goose, braised lamb, roast chicken, mash potato, puddings and so on. Used to be the Maccyd's in Whiteley's Shopping Centre in Bayswater, the hangout HQ of West London's disaffected Asian and Middle eastern yoof, all bling and innit and don you look/talk/stare/shout at me you gobba you, but without any actual violence going on, what with the security guards looming large.
Well the pigeon chests have been replaced by pigeon breasts with roasted beets, swede and onion and very nice it is too, particularly since the opening involves a massive 50% discount (in case they make any mistakes) which allowed the Nationwide posse of ten to scoff as much food as they could and still get a bill that was less than for two at Gordon Ramsay.

And earlier we'd been in Borough Market where the Porter pub sells excellent beer and I heard the best Jewish joke ever, borderline tasteless but told to me by a Jewish friend who claims he heard it at a Jewish funeral in New York. That's three times I've used the J word so you'd better not be easily offended.

An elderly Jewish American couple are doing Europe, trip of a lifetime etc, and they're in Germany, setting off on a pilgrimage to Auschwitz. The train is deeply uncomfortable and the husband makes a tastless remark that it's "like a cattle truck" and his wife is offended. What with the heating being up high and all they have words, which leads to a row, a full blown argument and by the time they reach Auschwitz they're not talking.
They go round the place in silence and travel back on the train to their hotel in silence too. In the hotel, he decides to give in and apologise. "Please accept my apology. It was my fault. I wasn't feeling well"
She refuses and continues to stare at the wall.
"Aw come on darling, look this is the trip of our lives. We'll be kicking ourselves back home if we ruin it with an argument. I'm really, really sorry. Please?"
She hesitates, then stares at him balefully.
"OK," she says, "But I just want you to know one thing"
"What?"
"You totally ruined Auschwitz for me"










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40 comments:

Harriet Hamster said...

I Don't think anyone is a special pet ...

Nationwide said...

How did you get that name then?

Harriet Hamster said...

Don't know - was on t'internet

HH

Nationwide said...

I never trust t'internet. I got my name from t'telly.

Harriet Hamster said...

I know .....
And so, the first Nationwide took to the air on Tuesday 9th September 1969, from the BBC's Lime Grove studios. Seemingly too cautious to commit to a full five day week, the programme would only air from Tuesday to Thursday. A jaunty theme tune heralded the start, and the original opening title sequence ....

Nationwide said...

You know more than me. All I can remember is a skateboarding duck.
You've been reading that internet again.

Harriet Hamster said...

Ah.you mean Herbie is that your real name ?

HH

Herbert Nationwide said...

Herbert.

Harriet Hamster said...

Herbert
Do you look like Terry Wogan ?

You know ?

HH

nationwide said...

No I don't look like Terry Wogan. Do you look like a hamster?

You know?

Harriet Hamster said...

No
A squirrel ...

Nationwide said...

Grey or Red?

Harriet Hamster said...

Grey of course - no Gingers
HH

Nationwide said...

Monty chases grey squirrels. Damn near caught one the other day for the first time ever. It must have been frozen with the bloody cold in the park when he came whizzing up behind it and scared the shit out the poor wee thing. It shinnied up a sapling in the nick of time. Once a squirrel's gone above stick throwing height Monty doesn't care.

Harriet Hamster said...

I don't like Monty very much..he's a thug

HH

Nationwide said...

No, he's a dog.

Harriet Hamster said...

Was he the dog in That's Life ! ?

Nationwide said...

Yes. And also Blue Peter.

Harriet Hamster said...

Are you Biddy Baxter Soup ?

Nationwide said...

No. But I am now in Edinburgh by the magic of the overnight sleeper.
Are you really Harriet Harman in disguise?

Harriet Hamster said...

Are you the police ?

I love the overnight sleeper so quaint...

HH

Nationwide said...

No I'm not the police but I look like Sting.
The overnight sleeper is faster and cheaper than planes plus you can sit in the bar and talk to drunk MP's if you feel like it.
Also, you get a weeny little plastic thing with a two-piece toothbrush, the tiniest tube of toothpaste you've ever seen and a miniscule little compartment with a thimbleful of drinking water. Now that's quaint.

Harriet Hamster said...

Gosh Nation
Have you a monicle ?

Do you wear a cravat and plus fours ?

Do they still wake you with a cuppa ?

Nosy Harriet

Lucy said...

Hey, Nationwide!

I saw your post on the Guardian and followed your link here. It's weird how one joke coming out of one person's mouth can be construed as funny and in no way offensive, but the same joke told in the same exact manner by someone of a different race can be construed as offensive, racist, bigoted, etc.

Anyway, I would love it if you ventured to my side of the pond (and blogosphere) and checked out a piece I wrote on Ironic racism, called, "MetaBigotry in Comedy."
http://standup101.blogspot.com/2007/08/metabigotry-in-comedy.html

Feel free to leave a comment...

Lucy said...

http://standup101.blogspot.com/2007/08/metabigotry-in-comedy.html

Sorry it got cut off..

Just look in the "Most Popular posts" section, on the right-hand side of the blog...

Thanks much!

Nationwide said...

Harriet Hamza
No, I have my own butler wake me with a cup of Earl Grey and a toasted muffin actually. Then we open the window and do some target practice in the borders with some peasants, sorry pheasants.
Are you Fiona Bruce?

Lucy said...

Hye, nation!

Yes, I have explored the subject deeply.

Actually, T.A.N. is a friend of mine. I'm supposed to interview him for the blog, but are schedules keep conflicting.

Stay in touch...

And yes we do have the same tastes in blog design. Although, I will be changing mine soon.

Lucy said...

Do you have an email address with which to contact you? Or a MySpace page. This commenting back and forth can get a little cumbersome...

Feel free to post it as a comment on my blog (which is private a comment)... and then I'll erase it so it doesn't get published...

best
Lucy

Harriet Hamster said...

Not Fifi Bruce but are you a Krankie ?

McNationwide said...

Halibut Hamisda
Yes, Wee Johnny Krankie, cousin of the more famous and talented superstar Krankies whom all Scotland adores almost as much as the whole of England.
Sadly I can only play one string on the guitar. But I'm learning. The other four are within my grasp.

How about you? Are you a musical genius of international fame and celebrity? Are you Dame Shirley Bassey? Kylie Minogue or her equally famous and talented sister Daniiii?

Harriet Hamster said...

Damn Nation
Yes I am Morag Minogue from Auchterbogle
I play the accordian and I have a friend called Binky who does cabaret on the Poop-deck on cruising liners

There ain't none finer
Throw a Haggis down the line

Nationwide said...

Hannibal the Squirrel
You have friend called Binky? You're Melanie Bellamy from Organ Grinder.
Unless you are the late Moira Anderson. You're not are you? If you are you still owe me that £50 from the bookies.

Harriet Hamster said...

you are knacker of the Yardies

Nationwide said...

No. I am Spartacus.

Harriet Hamster said...

Better that than Steve McClaren on this day ....

Jose en route methinks

Nationwide said...

Last night, in the middle of Steve Mclaren's heroic struggle against the forces of darkness who had clearly introduced a demon spirit into the proceedings to make the England team look like a squad of hamfisted third raters - how very dare they! - our pub was invaded by 25 young persons dressed in ornate golf gear, plus fours, flat caps, diamond pringle sweaters and leather gloves, the works, who explained they were playing "pub golf" which involved visiting 18 pubs, having a different drink in each one, and keeping a scorecard. I'll be writing about this in my blog soon.
Oh. I just have.

Harriet Hamster said...

Oh Nation your writing is so similar to Coleridge as he scribed the Kubla Khan and I suppose I take on the part of the "person from Porlock"

I hope you keep flowing and we see a blog soon on those golfers sounds scary a "pringles crisp" jumper I didn't know they made jumpers..You are so learned
HH

Nationwide said...

You write good too. I was learned at school to do things that I still haven't even used, like calculus and ancient greek, because I'm too busy using my other skills, like blogging, which I wasn't learned at school but picked up in an idle moment.
Here's a poem.

Upon a hill there was a coo.
But that coo is no there noo.
It's shifted.

Now that's what I call writing.

Harriet Hamster said...

If i was Govan then it's been "lifted"

HH

Nationwide said...

Are you Govan?