This blog is being interrupted to bring you hot news. Forget Gordon Brown, forget Alex Salmond and other famous North of the Border men of substance. Not since Mel Gibson uttered that strangled phrase "Youse hav NUTHIN to loose but yer chaynes" in Braveheart has the populace embraced such an almighty Scottish hero.
He has snuck up on us. Those who were lucky enough to see the late ITV News on Saturday saw his bravura debut. A man of our times, a man who encapsulates everything we secretly desire.
He smokes. He drinks. He fights. He's good looking (well three out of four isn't bad) and he's now a mythical hero who is not only receiving the attention of the ladies but in his local bar has 480 ( now a cool 1000) pints, donated by wellwishers, waiting to be downed. By Him!
Laydees and gentlespoons, I give you JOHN SMEATON, now known as the Smeatmeister.
Yes, Osama Bin Laden, it's all very well to sit in your cave and plan attacks on faraway airports, to smuggle in your operatives under the noses of the intelligence services. But you didn't bargain for the Smeatmeister whose catchphrase "I'll set aboot ye" is now the clarion call to all that is decent and laudable about life in Glasgow.
He may be a humble baggage handler who occasionally pops out for an illicit smoke (yes, suffering English smokers, Scotland's ban started last year and poor people like John are forced to go and smoke in the oncoming path of aflame Jeep bombs. Count yourselves lucky) . But the people of Scotland recognise a hero when they see one.
This is the man who wrestled to the ground an (alleged) car bomber who was attacking the polis. "That's no right" observed our John to ITV News on Saturday, "So I set aboot him". In that one sentence, John has made the heart of Scotland beat a little faster, a little prouder. He is a true Brit of substance and has no time for mealy mouthed whippersnappers bemoaning terrorism in the UK (see previous post)
So next time a man from Glasgow says he's going to "Set aboot ye" don't run away. Buy him a pint. It might be John.
There is, of course, now a website dedicated to The Man.
Nationwide is about to meet the Smeato, introduced by a mutual friend. Words cannot yet describe how or where. Watch this space.
What shall I ask him? You decide.
This is not a joke.