Tuesday, July 03, 2007

A Star is Born

This blog is being interrupted to bring you hot news. Forget Gordon Brown, forget Alex Salmond and other famous North of the Border men of substance. Not since Mel Gibson uttered that strangled phrase "Youse hav NUTHIN to loose but yer chaynes" in Braveheart has the populace embraced such an almighty Scottish hero.
He has snuck up on us. Those who were lucky enough to see the late ITV News on Saturday saw his bravura debut. A man of our times, a man who encapsulates everything we secretly desire.
He smokes. He drinks. He fights. He's good looking (well three out of four isn't bad) and he's now a mythical hero who is not only receiving the attention of the ladies but in his local bar has 480 ( now a cool 1000) pints, donated by wellwishers, waiting to be downed. By Him!
Laydees and gentlespoons, I give you JOHN SMEATON, now known as the Smeatmeister.

Yes, Osama Bin Laden, it's all very well to sit in your cave and plan attacks on faraway airports, to smuggle in your operatives under the noses of the intelligence services. But you didn't bargain for the Smeatmeister whose catchphrase "I'll set aboot ye" is now the clarion call to all that is decent and laudable about life in Glasgow.

He may be a humble baggage handler who occasionally pops out for an illicit smoke (yes, suffering English smokers, Scotland's ban started last year and poor people like John are forced to go and smoke in the oncoming path of aflame Jeep bombs. Count yourselves lucky) . But the people of Scotland recognise a hero when they see one.

This is the man who wrestled to the ground an (alleged) car bomber who was attacking the polis. "That's no right" observed our John to ITV News on Saturday, "So I set aboot him". In that one sentence, John has made the heart of Scotland beat a little faster, a little prouder. He is a true Brit of substance and has no time for mealy mouthed whippersnappers bemoaning terrorism in the UK (see previous post)

So next time a man from Glasgow says he's going to "Set aboot ye" don't run away. Buy him a pint. It might be John.

There is, of course, now a website dedicated to The Man.




Nationwide is about to meet the Smeato, introduced by a mutual friend. Words cannot yet describe how or where. Watch this space.
What shall I ask him? You decide.
This is not a joke.
Smeato rules.


Konnie Huxtable Global said...

Cheers indeed Smeato!

Hang on... Rangers or Celtic?

FFS, please don't say St Mirren. I'll take my pint back.

Nationwide said...

No religion, day one of Ramavan.
Mr Smeato is, officially, the world's favourite baggage handler.
The veritable God of baggage operatives.

The New National Anthem said...

Over the course of several free pints and a bridie, Smee and I had a moan had about said smoking ban.

So we enlisted the help of some passing Renfrewshire layabouts and came up with this.

yeractual said...

Oi KHG, My great-grandad played for St Mirren.

Forget Rangers and Celtic, - Plain or Onion Bridie?

Nationwide said...

I find it very difficult to believe that there are layabouts in Renfrewshire. Why, even in the quaint village of Houston they have doctors and everything.

Konnie Huxtable Global said...

Oops, yeractual, I meant Partick Academicals.

And am I the only person round here w/o famous and talented forebears?

And forget onion or plain - Tennent's or 80/?

Anonymous said...

I wish my four bears played for Queen of the South, or Third Lanark, or ate Forfar Bridies. But they didn't.
Pint of your best porter, aleman, if you please.

Konnie Huxtable Global said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Konnie Huxtable Global said...

English couple touring the Highlands. End up in (take your pick) Dingwall. Find least intimidating pub.
"Half-of lager and an orange juice please."
"Lager, aye. Joooce? Nae cocktails in mah bar."

[Is this ancient? No idea.]

Konnie Huxtable Global said...

What? When? FFS, how did you wangle that? He's harder to reach than Britney or Salinger.
Ummmm.... quick.. questions....

"What's it like working at Glasgow Airport?"

"Plain or onion?"

"What other acts of international terrorism have you foiled in the past 18 months?"

"Fancy a cuddle?"

GET AUTOGRAPH X 20 - ebay....

Konnie Huxtable Global said...

Monarch of the Glen or Taggart?

Kirsty Gallagher or Mrs Mack?

What is the name of BBC Alba's version of 'Question Time'?

KT Tunstall or Tayside Mental Health?

Troon or Turnberry?